RIP mama

It's taken me a long time to bring myself to write/share this. Please pardon any errors but grieving the loss of your best friend, your guide, the one who loves you and knows you more than anyone--your mom, is impossibly hard and exhausting. I walk around in a stupor most of the time.

On Friday, May 18, I went about my day as I do every week day. When it was time for the kids school day to end, I walked over to pick them up. As I was waiting for them to come charging out, my sister calls me crying "your dream came true!" (I'll explain in a moment). I told her she was wrong, there's no way. I told her I had to go, turned and ran off, without my kids. I called Jared and asked him to come get the kids. I didn't believe it. Danielle was being a 14 year old girl--dramatic. She was wrong. I called my brother, I asked if it was true. He said yes. In an instant, my world crumbled.

Anyone who knows me, knows my mom and/or knows my kids is sure of her importance in our lives. She is always spoken of in a positive light, always in our thoughts and memories.

We packed up our things and drove through the night, without sleep, 12 hours to Utah.

Saturday was a blur--the no sleep and shock made the day seem surreal. I met Kaia, our niece, for the first time. We stayed at the park to let the kids breathe for a moment.

Sunday was my favorite day (if you can see the silver lining). I told my siblings we should all go together to pick out mama's last outfit (I still can't believe it as I type this). They agreed. We found the perfect dress. After, we had lunch. We sat at the table, just us 4, for 4 hours. We laughed, reminisced, chatted and cried. I'm sure we looked mad. I needed that. I needed them, they needed me. We are the only ones who know how truly heartbreaking this is and we were great support for each other.

Monday, we planned her services. Again disbelief. We spent some quality time at my brother's, too.

Tuesday, we made her CD. That was hard. Bringing back so many memories triggered even more pain.

Wednesday, we said our final goodbyes. Devastation. Heartbreak. These all seem too soft for the pain I feel. I started to leave so many times, only to have to tell Jared "one more goodbye". I stayed an hour after I was supposed to. I couldn't let go.

Back to my dream: Thursday morning, I awoke in near tears and panic. I dreamt my mom died. I watched her leave her body. It was so real. This just so happens to be the time they think she passed. I had always asked her to show me a sign, after she passed. I think she did. I had told Danielle and Jared about my dream. Tried to tell my mom, who never answered.

Anyone that truly knew my mom never had anything negative to say about her. She endured so much throughout her life. She would give anyone she loved anything she had, sacrifice. She was warm, loving, thoughtful, had the fullest whole hearted laugh I've ever heard.

The hardest part is knowing, in time, my memories will fade. I don't ever want to forget her delicate features, her soft skin, the way she smelled of Oil of Olay, the sparkle in her eye as she laughed, how tender her touch was, how when she was happy she would sing in the car, how she snorted as she laughed...

This is the most difficult thing I have ever been through, putting it gently.

I could write a book with thoughts, memories and feelings at this moment. But I won't. I will share some of my favorite photos in my possession:

In 2005. My kids love her so much.

2005. Lexi sleeping with grandma.

2006. Mother's day

2007

4th of July

Lagoon

Lexi's 3rd birthday

Playing at Chuck E Cheese

From her memorial. These are camera phone pictures as my camera was out of comission.

The flowers some lovely friends and family sent, thank you!

 My poor kiddos are so heartbroken to lose her.

 Last fall. My last visit with my mama.

 Oct 2010. Such a proud grandma.

 Some old photos:

My mom with her sister and mom. 76

 This is the mom I will forever remember.

 My parents wedding day, 73.

 my mom with my brothers. I would guess 80.

 Her in 1st grade.

 Danielle's 1st birthday, 99.

 70s

 Alcatraz, 80s.

 My mom and nana, 70s.

 84-85. My mom, family the Castillos, uncle, cousin, brothers and myself.

 She's on the bike, 3 years old.

my wedding, 2000.

What can I say? She's my mom. I'm only 29 and never expected to see this day so early. I still need her so much. I knew this day would be hard, I have dreaded it since I first understood death as a little girl (death has been a frequent visitor in my family--I've lost 7 people in the past 7 years). As a 3-4 year old I would tell my mom "goodbye, love you, don't die" as she headed to work everyday. This has been greatly dreaded. As I said, I knew it would be hard, but it's harder than I ever imagined.

I have a million things I can say, but I won't. I will say hug your mom today, you never know when you'll get another chance.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Words cannot express my gratitude.